You've got to live with what you are.

Lately, I am annoyed by everything. I fear that I am miserable to be around. I am starting to feel anxiously consumed by the show, but I do not want to talk about it, except here on the internet.

I mostly do a lot of thinking about it. Which brings up the tricky question – do I still believe it? Is it still true? Does it still matter? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

I have to say, I have a little less faith in the goodness of humanity these days. No real reason why, I'm just feeling a pull towards cynicism and hardness. Because, you know, it's easier, and it protects me from feeling exposed and disappointed.

Also, I seem to keep getting older, every day, and there’s a struggle between the part of myself that’s confident that all the choices so far I’ve made will add up to a life that I’m proud of and terrified that I’ve all made the wrong choices. That, in fact, I’m making the wrong choice right now. That right now, I’m missing something that could have made my life turn in some miraculous way.

Not that it’s so bad right now. I’m just worried that I’m missing something. That since I chose this, I’ll never have that, and what if at the end of the day, I realize that I wanted that, but now it’s too late.

When you’re in a restaurant, do you ever not order the thing that someone else is ordering, because you don’t want to copy but then you spend your whole meal looking at what they’re eating and wishing you had that, so much so that you can’t even taste what you’ve got, which might be really good, if you weren’t so busy being covetous?

Like that.

So, yeah, it’s hard to work on the show, because I'm not fully behind what I wrote last time anymore. Things are different for me than they were 2 years ago. And I’m not sure what I do believe right now. I'm in the middle part of something right now, and I don't know how it's going to end up.

But one thing that I wrote is definitely true – you can’t just make the choice to have faith and and be optimistic one time and be done with it. You have to keep on making it. That’s what makes it brave and hard. In the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, or worse, no evidence of any kind, you have to choose to believe it’s all going to be ok. And then you have to do it all over again. Which is one of the reasons for the show's title.

So I guess I do still believe it. I just didn't remember that I had to choose to believe it.

You know, you would think that by this point, having written a one-woman show about the subject, I would see this kind of thing coming, and not get surprised by that lesson anymore.

But, no.